I decided that after 9 years of remaining single and learning to live with myself, alone with just 3 dogs for company, that I might want to put my toes in and test the waters, again.
Why? Good question and one I've pondered over, analyzed and re-analyzed. After the end of my 3rd marriage [gasps heard from the readers], I swore I would never try again. I've reasoned that my picker is broken and after 3 strikes, I'm OUT of the game!
And yet, there are times when I miss having a man in my house; someone warm to snuggle up with on cold, winter nights; someone to walk beside me and hold my hand. I want to love someone with all my heart and soul, share my thoughts and share his, have mutual dreams and goals, enjoy a good movie or travel to somewhere exotic as a happy couple.
Ok, you get the picture!
I work in a town that is 62 miles away from where I live. I work 9+ hour days. It's a very good job and I just can't walk away because it pays my bills and allows me to lead a financially secure life. What it doesn't allow for is a lot of socializing after hours. Most of the men I come in contact with at work are married, let's call that 99% of them. The other 1% have various reasons for their single status.
I've worked with enough good men to realize that there are good men/fathers/husbands out there, I just wasn't as lucky (broken picker and all).I attribute my bad choices of mate-selection from what I learned and experienced growing up with my parents. They were married for 18 years before my father was outed in an anonymous letter to my mom. Yes, my dad was gay.
Looking back, I can honestly say the Dad was a good man, a good provider, dancer, musician, actor, company executive (in the closet), but he just didn't know how to be a great dad or husband. My parents are both gone now, but before my mom died, they had mended their past and became friends again. My dad died fifteen years after my mom and although he had a partner, he still missed my mom's quiet ways and her kind heart, still grieved her loss.
My problem is that I didn't learn how a real relationship between a straight man and woman works. I wasn't Daddy's girl -- ever. Ok, I can accept that I have limitations, but I can read books and I've watched how my good friends, that have been married for years, make it work. I'm smart, I should be able to figure it out.
Since I haven't had time to socialize locally and the few friends I have in my town don't know any eligible bachelors that they think I would be suitable with, I turned to the online dating site, Match.com and bought a 6 month subscription. I was encouraged by a friend that had met her current husband on the site. She said to be patient and that I probably would have to date a lot of duds to find the right guy. She did and it paid off in dividends, she is extremely happy now.
So I joined.
Let the Dating begin....
It's been almost a month and I should have known this was going to be harder than anticipated.
The first night I joined, I got an instant message right away from a relatively nice-looking guy. The catch -- he lives several states away, with his 5 year old son, but said that he was willing to relocate to be with me. This after one chat session???
I swear I didn't post in my profile or talk about my salary, my job, or pictures of my vehicles or the "Money Pit", so what makes these kind of guys think I might be their "Sugar Mama"?
His follow up email raised some questions about answers he had given the night before, that is, somethings just did not add up. He said he was an only child, both his parents died young, and he caught his wife cheating on him.
I really despise liars, but I let him down easy by telling him that I was not up to raising another child. I'm ready to look forward to retirement and goofing off the rest of my life having mass quantities of fun.
So far, the men that I have found interesting, and either winked at or emailed, have not responded. The ones that have emailed me, look at least 20 years older than me or similar to my idea of a Serial Killer (no, not the Dexter-type, more like Charles Manson).
I realize that I'm no spring chicken, but I'm certainly not ready to be changing some guy's Depends. Nor do I want to go out to dinner, only to find that I'm the main course.
Worse than those images are the emails...I'm relatively-well educated and extremely well-read (Mom was an English major in college), but these emails!!! GHASTLY! Sentences that make absolutely no sense, strange spelling that I think must be a foreign language, and why, oh why, would someone that doesn't even know me think that we immediately have to be an "item" or "The One".
One man IM'd me with video cam (local profile, but stationed in Afghanistan?) and asked some questions, then told me that he was going to interrupt and tell me about himself. Only son, (I asked if he had sisters and he said, "I'm the only son!"), never been married, no children, and parents both deceased. I'm thinking this guy is defintely NOT for me, but before I can sign off, he is telling me that we will be IMing every night from now on. That he was going to make me, his. WTF?!?!? Not only NO, but HELL NO!!!
Of course, there was the one scathing email accusing me of having no morals or ethics because I did not email him back. He wished that I would get as many responses to my emails as I sent back. REALLY??? His first email to me was prior to my subscription, so email reading is not a possibility. I should waited before getting my account, since I have been traveling on business and pleasure trips over the last month and did not have time to email anyone. Even though the man was not someone I would be interested in, I wrote him back and explained why I had not emailed, then ended my reply with the fact his email opened my eyes to his personality and that I would never be interested in someone that would go on the attack like that without having all the facts.
Then there's the other problem I have, which is superficial. Men my age seem to want women 20 years their junior and I want someone close to my own age that I find attractive. If I know someone and have spent time with them, their terrific personality can make them more attractive, but online it doesn't seem to be working for me.
What makes a guy, that looks like he could have starred in "Deliverance" and writes, "Sweet sweet lady how can l make you mine like.all.you emailed.like to.talk more think. You are sexy lady show me more photos", ever begin to think those kind of words would make me swoon and fall in love?
Or I left a simple comment, "Nice Fish" on a picture another guy posted of a really nice fish he caught. How do I end up with a response like this??? "I think you might just be that pretty i have long be seeking all my life to get to know more than a friend. Location will never be the barrier if your heart is willing to give a chance of a new beginning just like mine is ready right now. I want to believe that asking your hands in friendship will make you to be the happiest woman in this part of generation and who knows even in some generations to come."
What does that mean? I'm 55 years old and beyond producing next generations! Plus as to location, my profile states that I work in the same area he lives, so what barrier is he talking about?
You might not believe it, but I cut and pasted the above quotes from both emails. No editing.
Then I've gotten several winks and a couple emails from younger men, but they have failed to have create profiles I can read. They leave a yahoo email addresses and tell me to write, but I haven't got a clue what they are like. I prefer to read profiles, their likes and dislikes, a marital status, whether they have children or not, I need DATA before I move forward! So, why would they take this approach?
I'll conclude for now -- I still have not been on a single date, and no prospects. I'm more confused and freaked out than ever.
I pine for a time when men had the skills to write poetry or letters that would move my soul, rouse my interest or bring laughter to my lips.
Once more turn my head to the stars and ask, "Where is my kind of crazy love"?
Maybe I need to re-word my profile.....again.
